To find peace you sometimes need to confront your worst fears.
Not too long ago, a good friend of mine reached a stage in her life where she did not know what to do any more. Having just survived a marriage crisis, she had recently severely dislocated her back. Meanwhile her family life with husband and children, work and a whole range of social engagements continued. At one point she took on the role of assistant supervisor on a school trip with her children. She was put in charge of a small group of boys. A tough and energetic bunch who became progressively more energetic. She felt the tension mounting and decided to shock them into line by telling them horrific stories. She proceeded to dish up detailed accounts of the sufferings of humanity ranging from Indians strung up with hooks sticking out of their bodies to extermination camps. The little tykes were quickly reduced to a trembling little huddle that could only listen dumbstruck. That would fix them!
That night she woke up in a cold sweat: ‘My God what have I done? I have damaged these children for life. I must be mad!’ She realised that she had spent the entire afternoon talking gibberish. The final bastion on which she had been able to depend all her life, her strong ability to rationalise, had deserted her that afternoon. It was all over. She had lost her mind.
A terrible fear took hold of her and she found herself unable to move. Her legs began to tremble followed by her entire body. She forced herself to get up and walk around the house. Once she got downstairs, she did something she had never done in her life. She started to pray. ‘Dear God please undo the damage I have done. Please make the children forget what I told them, so that they will not be traumatised in any way by what I said. Please, please help me.’
A few days later she had a dream. A building was on fire. She started to run away from it. But she came up against another building that was also on fire. She changed direction and soon encountered yet another building on fire. It was then that she stopped moving. She stood motionless – possibly for the first time in her life – and saw the three buildings engulfed in flames.
A month later we are walking on the beach. She looks at me and smiles. She is quiet and there is a sense of peace about her. A new kind of tranquility. Even though the three buildings were almost razed to the ground, she has discovered another building that had been invisible up to now. A spiritual building. Most people only discover this building at the very end of the line, when all the other buildings have collapsed. My friend got there early.
Sometimes you have to die in order to live.
