How unconditional can love be?
It happened again. I fell in love. And as I felt the butterflies fluttering about in my stomach I asked myself: “Is this true love?” I have to say there was some doubt in my mind because, as wise men always tell us, true love is unconditional, and to be honest, I wanted a lot from her: attention, time, affection, understanding, babies, etc.
Not really unconditional, I would say.
But does unconditional love really exist? In the words of Confucius: Can there be a love that does not require something of its object? Does one not always require something in return from ‘the object of your love’? Can you love another unconditionally even if he or she does not answer your feelings of love? Not long ago I would have answered unhesitatingly and said yes. But now I ask myself, What sort of love is this? And, is this really what I want?
Unconditional love is safe because you do not really open yourself to ‘the object of your love’. You give, but are not open to receiving. You are not prepared to allow yourself to be touched, moved or hurt. I found myself wondering if unconditional love wasn’t a little cowardly. Wasn’t my striving for unconditional love also a perfect excuse for avoiding a relationship based on equality? Wasn’t I just afraid of allowing myself to be touched?
Dutch singer Wim de Bie once sang: Listen to me, my love, do not be afraid, I will continue to love you, a whole love long. A whole love long. As long as there is love there is a relationship. If love disappears so does the relationship.
So if I really want to go on loving ‘the object of my love’ then I must first be true to love itself. If I am true to love and live on the basis of that love, then every relationship is an opportunity to celebrate that love – not your love or my love, or even our love – but love.
If you love love, then ‘the object of your love’ becomes love itself.
Is this then what we call unconditional love?
