BY THE OPTIMIST DAILY EDITORIAL TEAM
What if we told you that one of the most powerful ways to build authentic relationships isn’t just through deep conversations or active listening (though those are important too), but through something as simple as eye contact?
Eye contact is an underrated social skill that signals attentiveness, confidence, intelligence, and trustworthiness. It conveys emotions, fosters understanding, and strengthens connections in both personal and professional settings. Yet, many of us unknowingly make eye contact mistakes that can lead to awkward interactions.
The good news? Small adjustments can make a big difference. Let’s break down the most common eye contact mistakes and explore easy ways to improve this essential skill.
Why eye contact matters
“Eye contact is a fundamental part of human communication,” says Michelle Dees, a board-certified psychiatrist. “It builds trust, rapport, and understanding between individuals. It also signals focus and genuineness, making the other party feel important and heard.”
Research supports this, showing that effective eye contact makes us appear more trustworthy and memorable. But just like any skill, it takes practice.
Common eye contact mistakes (and how to fix them)
Now that we know why eye contact is so important, let’s take a look at some of the most frequent mistakes people make—and how to avoid them.
1. Avoiding eye contact altogether
If you tend to look away during conversations, you’re not alone. Many people avoid eye contact due to shyness, nerves, or discomfort. Research also shows that those with social anxiety disorder fear or struggle with direct eye contact. However, consistently dodging eye contact can make you seem disengaged or even untrustworthy.
Fix it: Start small. Instead of staring directly into someone’s eyes, focus on their face as a whole. If full eye contact feels overwhelming, try looking at the bridge of their nose or between their eyebrows.
2. Staring too intensely
On the other end of the spectrum, maintaining unbroken eye contact can be unsettling. “Humans expect natural breaks in gaze,” says social psychologist Sophia Spencer. “When those breaks don’t happen, people may perceive the stare as aggressive or uncomfortable.”
Fix it: Use the 50/70 rule—aim to maintain eye contact 50 percent of the time when speaking and 70 percent when listening. This creates a comfortable, natural rhythm.
3. Looking at the wrong place
Do you find yourself staring at someone’s forehead, mouth, or even their hands instead of their eyes? This can make you seem distracted—or worse, like you’re fixated on an unrelated part of their body.
Fix it: Try the triangle method: Picture a triangle on the person’s face, with their eyes and mouth forming the three points. Shift your gaze between these areas to maintain natural eye contact without feeling too intense.
4. Darting eyes
Constantly shifting your eyes—whether looking at the floor, the ceiling, or other objects—can make you seem anxious or uninterested. “Darting eyes give the impression that you’re distracted, nervous, or not fully engaged,” says therapist April Crowe, LCSW.
Fix it: Use peripheral awareness—keep your focus on the person’s face while still allowing yourself to take in the surrounding environment. If necessary, take occasional natural breaks by briefly looking away before returning to eye contact.
5. Ignoring cultural differences
Eye contact norms vary widely across cultures. In many Western cultures, direct eye contact signals confidence and attentiveness. However, in some Asian, Middle Eastern, and Indigenous cultures, prolonged eye contact can be seen as disrespectful or confrontational.
Fix it: Be mindful of cultural differences and adjust accordingly. If you’re unsure, take cues from the other person’s behavior and match their level of eye contact.
6. Focusing too much on one person in a group setting
In group conversations, it’s easy to lock eyes with just one person while unintentionally ignoring others. This can make some people feel excluded.
Fix it: Distribute your gaze evenly across the group. If you’re speaking, shift your eye contact to different individuals every few seconds. If you’re listening, acknowledge each speaker with a glance to show engagement.
Simple ways to improve your eye contact
Now that we’ve covered what not to do, here are a few easy strategies to enhance your eye contact skills:
Practice with screens – While watching TV or videos, challenge yourself to maintain “eye contact” with the characters. This low-pressure exercise helps build comfort over time.
Use nonverbal cues – Pair eye contact with nodding, smiling, and slight head tilts to make your engagement feel more natural.
Take intentional breaks – Avoid staring contests by occasionally looking away for a second before re-establishing eye contact.
Get feedback – Ask a trusted friend or colleague if your eye contact feels natural or needs improvement.
Final thoughts
Eye contact is a powerful but often overlooked skill that plays a crucial role in communication. The key is balance—avoiding both extremes of too much or too little eye contact while being mindful of cultural differences and social settings.
If you find eye contact challenging, don’t stress. With small, intentional efforts, you can gradually build confidence and enhance your social presence. The next time you’re in a conversation, try implementing some of these tips—you might be surprised at how much stronger your connections become!
