BY THE OPTIMIST DAILY EDITORIAL TEAM

The feeling of not mattering, of going through a whole day without anyone really seeing you, sits closer to the surface than most people let on.

Jennifer Breheny Wallace has spent years studying this. In her new book Mattering, she frames it as a gap: the distance between how valued you feel and how valued you actually are. “We are in a loneliness epidemic,” she says. “At the root of this is a mattering gap. When people don’t feel like they matter, they withdraw or isolate.”

What she argues, though, is that mattering goes both ways. You can receive it, and you can give it. The practices she recommends for closing the gap are smaller than they sound.

Write down one way you showed up today

At the end of each day, try to name just one small way you made a difference to someone. Write it down. Maybe you listened when a friend needed it. Maybe you made a colleague laugh. Maybe you handled a hard conversation better than you expected.

“This kind of self-awareness builds our own internal sense of mattering,” Wallace says. It doesn’t need to be a grand gesture. The point is to notice what usually gets missed.

Keep a file of the notes that prove your value

When someone sends you a thank-you card, a handwritten note, or even a kind text that landed, save it. Wallace calls this an impact file: a box or folder where you collect evidence of your effect on people.

“On days when you feel like you don’t matter, you can pull everything out and remember your value.” It’s a way to push back against the stories you tell yourself when things feel hard.

Make your thank-yous specific

There’s a version of saying thank you that actually stays with the person. Instead of thanking someone for a gift, thank them for being the kind of person who gives that gift.

“Instead of saying, ‘Thank you for this beautiful sweater,’ you could say, ‘Thank you for always being the kind of friend who knows me and knows what I like,’” Wallace explains. The same logic applies when someone gives you advice: close the loop. Tell them what you tried. Tell them what happened. Show them their time was worth something to you.

Build a mattering space in your community

Wallace writes about places she calls mattering spaces: anywhere outside your home and workplace where you can become a known face. A coffee shop, the dog park, a gym. Somewhere you show up often enough that people start asking after you.

She shares the example of her father. After retiring, he went to the same restaurant every week for lunch, learned the staff’s names, and got genuinely curious about their lives. When he stepped away for several weeks to help care for a family member, they noticed. When he came back, a signed sympathy card was waiting for him. He had become someone to them because he had treated them as someone first.

Imagine the sign everyone is wearing

Wallace sets herself a challenge she invites you to try: picture everyone you meet wearing an invisible sign that asks, “Tell me, do I matter?” Then answer it in every small interaction you have.

It comes back to you. “Every time we reinforce someone else’s value, we are reminded that we too are needed, valued, and capable of making a difference,” she says. “So, in reminding others that they matter, we confirm just how much we do too.”

Did this solution stand out? Share it with a friend or support our mission by becoming an Emissary.