BY THE OPTIMIST DAILY EDITORIAL TEAM
If your pulse spikes at the infamous words “We need to talk,” you’re not alone. For many people, conflict feels synonymous with shouting, crying, or someone storming off. But as therapist Aparna Sagaram, LMFT, explains, that mindset doesn’t serve us well: “All conflict is just some sort of disagreement,” she says, and disagreements are inevitable, even with the people we love most.
Avoiding conflict may feel safer in the moment, especially if you grew up around explosive arguments or were taught that speaking up makes you difficult. But letting issues simmer can turn everyday annoyances into long-term resentment. Instead, learning how to approach hard conversations with intention can lead to more connection, not less.
1. Start with a no-send version of what you want to say
Knowing what you want to communicate is half the battle. That’s why Cherlette McCullough, LMFT, suggests writing a “no-send” version of your message first. “Get everything out,” she says. “Write about how they hurt you, how they made you feel, how their behaviors affected you.”
This journal-style draft isn’t meant to be shared. Instead, it helps you release pent-up feelings and clarify your thoughts. After reviewing what you’ve written, you’ll likely see which points are worth bringing up (like repeated dismissiveness) and which are less constructive (like insults or name-calling). The result is a clearer, kinder conversation.
2. Practice with the people who feel safest
If speaking up fills you with dread, don’t start with your boss or new partner. “These are what we refer to as your ‘low risk’ or ‘safe’ people,” Sagaram says. Think: a sibling who always steals your hoodie, or a best friend whose teasing sometimes crosses the line.
Addressing smaller issues with people you trust builds confidence. As you see that honesty doesn’t always lead to disaster, you’ll be more prepared to raise trickier topics with others later.
3. Set the stage—don’t ambush them
Surprising someone with serious feedback mid-coffee catchup? Not ideal. Instead, give them a heads-up. Try: “Hey, can we talk about something that’s been on my mind?” or “Is now a good time to check in about something?”
Choosing your moment matters too. McCullough suggests timing the conversation for when you’re calm and collected. Maybe that means after a good night’s sleep or once the workday stress has passed. The goal is to turn potential conflict into connection.
4. Don’t make it all about what they did wrong
Yes, you’re upset. But listing every mistake the other person made will likely make them shut down. “You don’t want the other person to become very defensive,” McCullough explains.
Instead, balance your concern with care. If a friend’s frequent venting is wearing you out, try: “I’m always here for you, but I’ve been overwhelmed and need some space.” Or if a partner is glued to their phone at dinner: “I love our time together, and I’d appreciate if we could be more present.” Framing your needs this way fosters collaboration, not conflict.
5. Focus on the behavior, not their character
Calling someone “irresponsible” or “selfish” puts them on the defensive. Instead, Sagaram recommends focusing on specific actions. Your friend might not be “stingy,” but if they keep dodging your Venmo requests, it’s fair to say you’d like to be paid back more promptly.
Clear, actionable feedback is easier to digest and easier to change. Rather than labeling someone as a problem, you’re naming a problem that can be solved.
Growth starts with hard conversations
Tough talks will always feel, well, tough. But they don’t have to be chaotic or combative. When you approach them with kindness, clarity, and a bit of courage, you’re not just addressing issues. You’re building stronger, more honest relationships. And that’s worth the momentary discomfort.
