BY THE OPTIMIST DAILY EDITORIAL TEAM

You spend the first few years of your kid’s life repeating words back to them, hoping one will stick. “Mama.” “Dada.” “Ball.” And then suddenly you’re coaching them through “please” and “thank you” and “sorry,” because those are the words that help life run a little more smoothly in a family, in a classroom, in a world. But there’s another set of words that doesn’t get nearly as much practice time, and according to experts, those might be the ones that matter most.

These are the phrases that help kids ask for help when they’re lost, hold a limit when they’re pressured, or reach out to a trusted adult when something online feels wrong. Confidence with these phrases doesn’t just arrive. It has to be built and practiced out loud with you.

“I don’t know what this means” or “I need help”

It sounds simple, but admitting you don’t understand something takes real courage, even for adults. For kids who are trying to seem capable in front of their classmates and teachers, it can feel like a risk. Teaching them that not knowing something is fine, and asking about it is just what you do next, removes a lot of that pressure.

“It is very important for the kid to find the confidence to say this, and have the self-awareness and self-esteem, that it is ok to not understand instructions,” says Sid Khurana, M.D., a board-certified child and adolescent psychiatrist. “And it is okay to ask a person to clarify.”

Practice specific language with your kids: “I don’t get it,” “Can you tell me more about this part,” or “What does this mean?” And when they use it, respond with patience. How you react to their questions teaches them whether asking is actually safe.

“I can figure this out”

The instinct when your child is struggling is to step in and fix it. But every time you do that for them, you may be taking away a chance for them to discover what they’re capable of.

“Over the past 20 years, we’ve seen that when children are consistently treated as capable and resourceful, they begin to see themselves that way too,” says Jennifer Walker, R.N., B.S.N., founder of Moms on Call. “And over time, those messages become their own inner voice.”

Walker says you can start modeling this as early as toddlerhood, with simple phrases like “You’ll figure it out” or “I know you can do this.” The goal is for that voice to eventually become theirs. One practical way to help it along: the next time you’re working through something complicated, narrate your thinking out loud. Let your kids hear what it sounds like to take something one step at a time, instead of just watching problems get resolved as if by magic.

“I am feeling…”

Naming emotions is genuinely hard, especially for young kids who don’t have the vocabulary yet. And the feelings that are hardest to put into words are often the ones most worth saying.

“The ability to express our feelings is the cornerstone of mental health and well-being,” says Lakiesha K. Oliver, L.C.P.C. “When children know they are safe to express how they are feeling, we normalize the range of emotions and open pathways to healthy coping, emotional management, and resolution.”

Dr. Khurana adds that this extends to the difficult emotions too. It’s tempting to steer kids away from the big, heavy feelings, but pushing them down tends to mean they come out sideways later. Teaching a child to say “I’m mad” or “I’m scared” gives them a way to move through something instead of getting stuck in it. You can start laying this groundwork even with toddlers by naming what they’re experiencing in real time and treating those feelings as worth saying out loud.

“Can you look at this?”

As your kids spend more time online, they’re going to encounter things that confuse them, alarm them, or embarrass them. And the default instinct, especially for older kids, is to delete the evidence and hope no one finds out.

Jim Festante, executive director at Health-e-Habits, a digital wellness organization, says that’s exactly the pattern worth disrupting. “Whether a child opens a phishing text, accepts a weird follow request, chats with someone they don’t know, or accidentally forwards a spam link, their first instinct is to delete the evidence out of shame or fear of device confiscation,” he says. That instinct is understandable, but it leaves kids managing situations they aren’t equipped to handle on their own.

Festante also points to group chats as a source of real pressure. “Middle and high school group chats operate 24/7, creating massive anxiety for kids who fear missing out or waking up to 300 messages and a shifted social dynamic.” Teaching kids that stepping away is okay, and that you’ll be there when they do, is part of the same conversation.

How you respond in that first moment when something goes wrong online will shape whether your kid comes to you the next time. Share your own small digital disasters- the reply-all to the whole office, the photo that landed somewhere it shouldn’t- to make clear that everyone slips up, and the only bad move is going it alone.

“I matter”

Two words, and they carry more than they look like they do. Teaching a child to say “I matter” isn’t about raising their ego. It’s about giving them somewhere to stand. Research shows that nearly 40 percent of US teens report persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness, and that young people who feel connected, supported, and valued tend to come through harder seasons better.

“The fact that there is no other person exactly like them speaks to their individual importance,” says Oliver. “Their voice, body safety, appearance, gifts, and talents all mean something.”

One way to make this real at home: at dinner, take turns sharing a moment from the day when you felt like you mattered to someone. Have your own example ready, because it’s harder than you’d expect. Before long, kids start scanning their days for these moments, and that small habit shifts how they see themselves without anyone having to announce that it’s happening.

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