BY THE OPTIMIST DAILY EDITORIAL TEAM

If you’ve ever driven away from school while your kid was still crying at the door, you know the horrible feeling. The half-formed urge to turn the car around. The uncertainty about whether going back would help or just make it worse. The guilt riding shotgun all the way to work.

Most kids get a little nervous when school starts. Even easy-going ones can get clingy in the first week. For kids who already tend toward anxiety, the start of school can feel overwhelming, especially if there’s a big transition: a new school, middle school, a close friend suddenly in a different class.

Rachel Busman, Psy.D., ABPP, a clinical psychologist who specializes in anxiety, says back-to-school nerves are normal, and for most kids they fade. Your job as a parent isn’t to eliminate the anxiety. It’s to help your child move through it.

First: check your own temperature

Before you start worrying about your kid’s nerves, pay attention to your own. The pressure of reinstating routines after summer, sorting new schedules, bracing for homework season — it adds up, and kids pick up on it more than you’d expect. “I think there’s a contagion effect that we have to be careful of,” Dr. Busman says.

If you walk your child to school already steeling yourself for a hard drop-off, they’ll feel that. Keeping your own plate manageable in those first few weeks is less about self-care and more about not adding to what your child is already dealing with.

Let them talk, then let it go

When your child tells you they’re nervous about a new teacher, or worried about lunch without their best friend, just listen. Don’t rush to reassure them. “Nothing to worry about! You’ll be fine!” shuts the conversation down without addressing the feeling underneath.

Something like “that sounds hard, I get it” tends to land better. Then, only if they want to, help them think through how to handle it. But don’t assume they want your fix. Sometimes kids want to say something out loud and have someone hear it. That’s really all they’re after.

One thing to watch: asking “Are you worried about math this year?” is planting an idea. Check in casually instead. Dr. Busman notes that kids often open up more when there’s no pressure to make it “A Conversation.”

Give them chances to practice

If you know your child will struggle on the first day, get them into the building before school starts. Walk through it a few times: classroom, bathrooms, cafeteria, playground. Even coming back on a weekend to drop off a form, or stopping by the office with a question, adds another low-stakes visit. The more times they’ve been in the space, the less threatening it feels.

If you can swing it, let them meet their teacher before the first day, when it’s quiet. A brief, low-pressure hello can change the whole experience of walking in on day one.

Dr. Busman calls this “coping ahead”: enough familiarity built in advance so the first real day doesn’t feel quite so first-real-day.

Plan the handoff

If you’re expecting a rough drop-off, don’t just wing it. Ask ahead of time whether an aide, school psychologist, or class buddy could be ready to meet your child and get them into something right away.

Most kids want to be useful. Asking them to help with a small task, carrying something across the room, sorting materials, gives them somewhere to put their attention. Being put to work gets them through the hardest part of the morning faster than any amount of reassurance.

When stomach-aches show up

Headaches and stomachaches before school are common, and they’re real, not invented. Anxiety lives in the body. Get your child checked out by a pediatrician to rule out anything physical. But if the symptoms keep showing up on school mornings and disappear once school is off the table, you’re probably dealing with anxiety, not illness.

Keep sending them anyway. When kids are allowed to stay home each time they feel sick before school, the avoidance reinforces itself. The fear grows because nothing happened to prove it wrong. When you do get them through the door, give specific praise: “Great job coming in today” lands differently than a general “good job.” A little active ignoring of the reluctance, a lot of specific encouragement for showing up.

When it’s more than nerves

Some kids resist school in ways that go past seasonal nerves: persistent refusal, escalating distress, complaints that keep coming no matter what. When that’s the pattern, it’s worth looking at what might be underneath. Undiagnosed learning difficulties, bullying, OCD that makes the school environment hard to manage, or separation anxiety that extends well beyond the morning drop-off can all look like this.

If the resistance is prolonged and affecting your child’s ability to function, Dr. Busman recommends getting an evaluation rather than waiting it out. “The longer a child misses school, the harder it is to get back in the routine,” she says, “because being absent reinforces the anxiety that is keeping them away.” Earlier support tends to mean more options.

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